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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26971768">Sad but Sweet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemedaisydo/pseuds/lovemedaisydo'>lovemedaisydo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>PewDiePie - Fandom, youtube - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, References to Depression, Sad and Sweet, and sexy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:00:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26971768</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemedaisydo/pseuds/lovemedaisydo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Pewds has pretty much gone missing, having finally succumbed to all the pressure from youtube. <br/>Sean is really worried and does his best to help... little does he know that his own feelings are the best medicine for Felix.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Felix Kjellberg/Sean McLoughlin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Headline</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The early morning breeze made the oak leaves flutter softly, and raindrops rolled off them and landed on Sean.<br/>The Irishman ran a hand through his green shock of hair, then crossed his arms and sighed. He’d miss Ireland.<br/>Not as much as he already missed his friend, whom he loved dearly. And also hated. If it weren’t for Felix, he’d wouldn’t be out at fucking 6 in the morning in the cold waiting for a taxi to take him to the airport.<br/>'The things I do for that Swede.'<br/>He wished it could be like the old days, when he'd simply get revenge by killing Felix a couple of times in some fun game… collab or not. They hadn’t talked much lately. Mark told him that Felix never even read his texts anymore, but had no clue why... They hadn't fallen out or anything like that.<br/>Sean had even called Joel, who lived in Brighton close to Felix and told him he was experiencing some radio silence himself. What the hell was happening? He was still uploading to his channel daily, although any experienced youtuber could recognize batch recorded videos.<br/>Looking closely at his latest video, Sean could see that troubling shade of blue in Felix’s red-rimmed eyes, even if he seemed like his usual silly amazing self. Sean had grown increasingly worried, until Pewdiepie’s uploads came to sudden stop.<br/>The internet was puzzled, just as it was worried. Dedicated fans flooded the comment sections of multiple videos, made videos of their own and took over Reddit. Where was Pewdiepie? What had happened to Felix Kjellberg?<br/>Vox and the media took to publishing articles with the typical, overly simple headlines: </p><p>“Pewdiepie quit Youtube?”<br/>“What happened to Pewdiepie, King of Youtube? Fans are clueless”<br/>“Youtube millionaire Pewdiepie’s daily videos stopped with no explanation”</p><p>Of course Sean’s mailbox filled up with fans asking him about his dear friend, trying to get at any possible information that could be too private to share.<br/>But Sean had nothing. His calls weren’t returned, let alone his texts, e-mails… He had even tried to track down Felix’s family in Sweden, but came up with nothing. They were well protected against any intrusion, Felix had certainly made sure of that.<br/>Realizing yet again how caring, protective and loving Felix was, a sweet warmth washed over Sean’s heart.<br/>He knew all too well how he felt. Bromance was a word he liked too. It helped him hide how slowly and steadily his love grew for Felix. He hadn’t accepted it yet. After all, half the world was in love with Pewds… with his charisma, his humour, his humility, his wisdom, his sky-blue eyes. </p><p>"HONK HONK!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Phone call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sean jumped. The taxi was waiting. He came in, trembling. Yet another nervous trip to Brighton. He doubted that games or films could distract him during his flight. <br/>He had been close to losing hope, when his phone rang in the middle of a livestream.<br/>He glanced at the phone, which he now kept with him at all times, and couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw who it was.<br/>Felix.</p><p>The chat in the livestream doubled its speed. They were wondering what the problem was.<br/>Sean tried to regain control and looked into the camera.<br/>‘Sorry guys, my phone just rang and it’s an emergency. I am very sorry, but I have to go. I hate to leave you like this but I hope you understand.”<br/>It was nice to see that his fanbase were quite understanding as well as worried, but it was hard to keep up with the chat anyway. Some were asking about Felix… some fans were quite smart.<br/>Sean turned off the stream and picked up the phone immediately. <br/>‘Felix?’<br/>The voice on the other end was faint.<br/>‘Sean.’<br/>Then silence.<br/>‘Felix, how are ye? Where are ye? Are ye ill?’, Sean tried not to sound as impatient and worried as he truly was, keeping his tone soft. Was that even Felix calling? Maybe kidnappers from... Norway, or India or something?<br/>‘No, I’m… home. I just… missed you. So I called, or whatever.’<br/>That was Felix and his awkward explanations alright. Sean sat on the sofa, gripping the phone. He knew Felix wasn’t well, depressed even. He knew all too well that it would require a lot of skill to talk to him now, so he focused and kept a steady voice even though his heart was threatening to pour over.<br/>‘I’m glad ye called me. I’ve been very worried about ye. Can ye tell me what’s going on?’<br/>‘No…?’, Felix even tried to crack a joke was usual, but there was a faint sob on the other sid, and some heavy breathing. Pewdiepie, the King of Youtube, with millions of subscribers and millions of views and millions in cash, was crying.<br/>Of course, Pewdiepie was also Felix, with two pugs and cravings for Swedish food.<br/>Either way, Sean couldn’t take it anymore. <br/>‘I’m coming over.’<br/>‘Where?’<br/>‘I’m taking a fucking flight to Brighton. Right now.’<br/>‘Because I’m fucking crying?’ Felix said a bit bitterly. <br/>‘Yes.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Arrival</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’m fully stacked diamonds, fully stacked diamonds,<br/>You won’t see me crying, I’m fully stacked diamonds<br/>I’m fully stacked diamonds, fully stacked diamonds,<br/>You won’t see me cry behind my fully stacked…</p><p>Sean opened his eyes. They were just about to land and he had to turn off his music. </p><p>You won’t see me cry behind my fully stacked diamonds…</p><p>He had been in that video. Was there a message he missed in the lyrics? Or was he just tired and hungry? Lunch had been just a sandwich, and now he still had 28 miles to go until he reached Brighton. But none of those things mattered now that he was about to see Felix, to hold him even. He just wanted to help, to look into his eyes and feel his body close to him, and kiss...<br/>Sean shook his head. But his heart beat harder and harder as he got closer and closer to his true destination. The suspense was killing him. His legs shook as he made the final steps to Felix's door, but his fist was firm and steady when he knocked on the door.<br/>His phone vibrated in his pocket a second later.<br/>“It’s open.”, Felix’s text.<br/>Sean opened the door and came in. He knew the house quite well, so he looked into the living room. Empty, untouched. He made his way up the stairs to the bedroom and pushed the door a little.<br/>Felix was in bed. He was peeking at Sean from behind a dark grey cover, with a painful look in his sunken eyes. He looked very pale, his blond hair flopping down in need of a haircut. <br/>‘This breaks my heart’, says Sean, without even realizing it. <br/>The two men look surprised at each other for a brief moment. Felix mouthed a “what?”<br/>Sean came over to the bed and kneeled next to it, facing Felix. He took one of Felix’s hands into both of his own warm, large hands.<br/>‘What is it? Just tell me.’, he said very gently. <br/>Felix looked at him, tears forming in his eyes.<br/>‘I even stopped uploading.’ He said. ‘I’m so disappointed, but I couldn’t do it anymore’<br/>‘Why?’<br/>‘I… The panic attacks, and the… all the crying. Too much pressure from Youtube.’<br/>‘Why didn’t ye tell anyone? Me?’<br/>‘Can’t.’<br/>He closed his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek. That was too much for Sean.<br/>'I'm taking charge for today. Don't think about anything else. We need... a hot bath and a nice dinner.'<br/>'So I should take my clothes off?'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Of all things, Eurovision</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not much happens:I Felix has a bath<br/>I've been struggling a bit with life, hope next chapter is better but for now here's a lot of coziness</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next thing Sean knew, he was cooking spaguetti.<br/>He had led Felix by his hands into the bathroom and sat him down on a stool. Then he put the water running, hot but not enough so as to burn him.<br/>'Your task' he said, looking into Felix's empty eyes, dull blue 'is to turn it off. So pay attention?'<br/>It was a great sign that his friend kept up the clownery even if he was feeling so depressed. That was Felix alright. Depressed and making jokes.<br/>Of course, Sean fought hard to keep from blushing. Now that he was alone, he could feel the desire and the heat climb up his back and his neck, his cheeks ablaze. Sounds of splashing water echoed around him.<br/>'Control yourself, it's not the time for that you bloody idiot', he mumbled, going through a drawer in the darkness of Felix's room. While the pasta cooked, he went looking for some clean clothes for Felix to wear after his bath. <br/>He took a sweater, held it before him for a second, then buried his nose in it.<br/>That boyfriend smell. Boyish, the distant scent of lavender from having been washed and a pinch of sweat for having been worn.<br/>He chose the comfiest sweater he could find, sweatpants and socks. All black, of course. Not much choice there.<br/>'And now, I need the tomatoes, and... But I can't...' He shouldn't leave Felix alone for a long time, that was certain. So he decided to drop the clothes off with Felix right away, and go into the bathroom without knocking, acting as natural as he could about it. Felix was resting his head back and opened his eyes. Did he mind being seen naked? Did he care?<br/>'I'm glad you're here. Can I talk to you? Sean?'<br/>'Yes?' Sean sat on the stool.<br/>Felix looked down at his hands and sighed, then he pinched his nose bridge, closing his eyes. Whatever he wanted to say, it was hard to say it. Sean sat gazing at him. His energy was beginning to falter, as he realized how long his day had been having taken a flight, how hungry he was as the smell of onions and pasta and tomatoes crept into the room, how worried he had been and still was, and last but not least... how in love he was with Felix, how he felt at home just being close to him, either soothed or entertained by his wondering thoughts, drawn to his charisma like a moth to a flame. There was something masculine to him just as there was something feminine too, but he could never put his finger on it, all he knew was how... attractive it was. In him, there was just as much of a chatty extrovert as there was of a Swedish loner. He was a child what with his burp jokes just as he was an adult capable to moving countries and keeping it together. Maybe all of this made up Pewdiepie. <br/>'What do ye want to tell me?' Sean said with openness and sincerity. Then he couldn't help his usual self and took a wooden bath brush. 'Or will I have to get it out for meself? I haven't got all day, the pasta's way overcooked by now.'<br/>'I really just wanted to say that I'm happy you're here. I'm sorry for taking your time.'<br/>'I'm happy to be here too.' They looked into each other's eyes, the world stopped turning. Sean, however, stood up and took a towel. 'Come on.'<br/>Felix stood up in the tub and walked out into the towel, into Sean's strong embrace. His mother would always do that when he was a child.<br/>'I'll leave it to ye then.' said Sean, and walked out.<br/>Felix stood there for a while, feeling confused. Was Sean nervous and red in the face, avoiding eye contact?... Or was he imagining things at last? He was still sad. Sad about many things. But now he didn't feel cold inside anymore. He felt warm and soft, but still lost. There were so many feelings, and so many positive feelings too now that Sean had arrived. He had never expected any friend to do that for him. Well, Sean. He had called Sean for a reason. Or not. Did he himself know why he had called him?<br/>He came to the kitchen dressed in his clean clothes. The table was set, the food smelled delicious and Sean had it all put together.<br/>They ate and talked, it was wonderful. Then they moved on to the sofa. Sean turned on the TV, and Eurovision was on.<br/>Felix and Sean's eyes met in a turbulent wave of love, mischief, sadness and bemusement.<br/>'Ireland versus Sweden?'<br/>'Ye're on, motherfricker.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Took some time, and I promise there will be more. Hope you like it</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yesterday seems like 10 years ago. If I'd been told that in 24h I'd be here, I'd have laughed... In Brighton, in a comfortable bed, holding Felix tight in my arms. A joke. Or just my biggest, wildest dream in the world.<br/>
Dinner and TV had taken a while but it seemed to make him feel better, and we were ready to call it a night pretty late at 2am. Felix was pretty much asleep by the end of Eurovision... I looked at him for a bit, trying to figure out if he was that tired and depressed not to cheer Sweden on and scream at Cyprus for not giving them their 12 points, or if my company had comforted him and helped him this much.<br/>
What I loved about being with him was that no second thoughts ever crossed my mind, I was just myself and I was happy. All of my decisions were good decisions always. So, with no doubts nor second thoughts whatsoever, I took him in my arms and carried him to bed. The room was pitch black, so I let the door a tad open for the distant golden light of the living room to soften the darkness. Very carefully, one knee on the bed, I laid him down, and laid down his blond head on the pillow. Why were his sheets grey? He should never be let into IKEA alone. Maybe I could go with him... I found myself wishing we could have grown up together. Sitting on the sidewalk after school with a gameboy, throwing pebbles in the creek, trick-or-treat together. Why? Maybe Felix just filled me with so much nostalgia. I wished the good old days were back.<br/>
And so I sat down next to him and all such thoughts faded as I simply contemplated his sleeping face, very gently caressing his tousled hair. All worries gone. No youtube, no nothing. You could tell, not even dreams.<br/>
Felix suddenly opened his eyes, looked at me and sighed with relief.<br/>
'Thank goodness you're still here.'<br/>
'Of course I am. I'd never go anywhere.'<br/>
I slid into bed, slightly sitting up, and pulled him close, protecting him with my arms. His head lay on my chest, just bellow my chin, and I looked up and sighed. So this is heaven.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Good old highschool snog</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I told Sean it was all a lie.</p><p>How could youtube be too much for me? If I haven't crashed and burned yet, with everything that already happened, then this year that was far from happening. It was actually a pretty good year, and I was gaming more again... except when some stupid copyright strike had me pull out my hair and scream at Edgar. This to say, I'm still king.<br/>
I hate saying this, but it gets lonely. Who cares about analytics and entertaining millions of heartfelt fans, if... Sean wasn't there?<br/>
Yeah, the fans were right. I'd see all that fanart and edits of me and Sean hugging and laughing, our fake snogs too. Wishing that was real.<br/>
'I see myself as someone who's better than... most people at handling stress and shit.' I told him as we sat in bed. 'But there's this... emptiness inside. Where you should be. Yes. I let my youtube channel, my preciousss youtube channel... die because it meant nothing without you.'<br/>
Sean looked at me, trying to keep a poker face but I knew all too well what he was thinking. That's why I always knew when he was impostor at Among Us. And the best part was that it was plain to see he knew that. He knew that I knew.<br/>
I don't believe in soul mates, but had I looked for this kind of connection for a hundreds years more, I wouldn't have found it.<br/>
So this is me telling you guys... how we got here. It was gradual but all at once. We just leaned toward each other, and feel into a kiss like no other kiss that just burned me inside and spread through my whole body. Our eyes closed, after getting a glimpse of each other's face in the darkness. Our eyes were blue, different shades of blue. Then our kids would have blue eyes- and our lips touched softly and we fell in love all over again, it was insane. Sean's hand was on my knee and moved down my leg to my back. I spread my arms around him, hugging him awkwardly, but our kiss did not break. It was amazing to feel his steady body pressed against mine, everything just grew bigger and bigger inside me and...<br/>
I opened my eyes with a start when I felt Sean's tongue touch my own.<br/>
Sean and I looked at each other surprised.<br/>
'Felix, I'm sorry.', he said, clearly not knowing what to say.<br/>
'Don't...' I whispered.<br/>
'I never kissed a guy before' he said, hiding his face in his hands.<br/>
I sat there, looking at him.<br/>
'I have and...'<br/>
'Yes, the story in the hot tub and the beard, yes I know. I know, I remembered. And I thought that you didn't want to kiss me.'<br/>
'No... no, Sean of course not.' I took his hands in mine. When I looked up, Sean was blushing furiously. 'Come here you Irish pussy'<br/>
'No no, you come here bitch.' Sean said sitting up and suddenly looking handsome, in control, easily able to outsmart me. He never failed to surprise me when he did that.<br/>
Sean crawled over me and kissed me, running his hands through my hair as if he'd always wanted to do that his whole life. He got between my legs, I could feel the zipper of his jeans hurt me, but I didn't say anything. I was too surprised, or too lost in his desire.<br/>
'Let me feel yer skin against mine' Sean whispered between kisses, and took off my shirt. Then he took off his and came back for more, his chest pressed tight against mine as we kissed, it was a delight to run my hands through his back.<br/>
I was pressing myself against him, trying to relieve the growing pleasure between my legs. He breathed in my ear, then everything stopped.<br/>
I opened my eyes. He looked amused.<br/>
'What?'<br/>
'Ye were screaming. Like, moaning. It was really loud, I don't think ye're aware...'<br/>
I blushed, frowning.<br/>
'Yeah, I'm loud, so what? That's what got me my youtube contract.'<br/>
Sean wasn't even trying to hold his laughter. I pushed him away from me.<br/>
'What?!'<br/>
'I think you have a sweet spot right here... And you don't even know it.' Sean got closer and whispered in my ear: 'Now take yer pants off.'<br/>
'You take your pants off!'<br/>
'YE TAKE YER PANTS OFF!'<br/>
'FINE! I'LL TAKE MY PANTS OFF!'<br/>
I stood up right on the bed and took them off, then threw them on his face.<br/>
'I FLY 20 FECKIN' MILES TO SEE YE-!'<br/>
'HERE, YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE! I LET MY FUCKING YOUTUBE CHANNEL DIE BECAUSE OF THIS!'<br/>
And we feel in a struggling hug, rolling over and I took this chance to hold him down closer to the edge of the bed. It felt good to lead again. I was used to being a leader. Sean was breathing heavily, red in the face, as I got closer to kiss him again.<br/>
'Felix. I don't think I can hold it anymore.'<br/>
'Hold my-' but my sentence was cut short, because the bed covers slid down from under us, and we fell hard on the floor.</p>
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